One of the most powerful drivers of stress is a loss of control — over your time, your work, or your environment. Research consistently shows that when people feel powerless, they become more anxious, more reactive, and more likely to burn out. But the good news is this: even if you can’t change your circumstances, you can often change your sense of control. And that can make all the difference.
Why Feeling in Control Is Essential for Wellbeing
Whether you're dealing with tight deadlines, relationship conflict, or a health scare, your brain is constantly evaluating one key question: Can I influence what happens next? When the answer feels like "no," the nervous system reacts with fear, tension, and helplessness, because you feel out of control.
This isn't just psychological. People who perceive little control over their lives have higher levels of stress hormones, worse immune responses, and a greater risk of long-term illness — even when their objective circumstances aren't worse than others'. Control, in this sense, is more about perception than reality.
Consider the early days of the COVID-19 pandemic. Uncertainty was high, freedoms were restricted, and many people experienced intense stress — not just from the virus itself, but from the feeling of not being able to make decisions for themselves. Over time, many regained a sense of control by setting routines, creating home workspaces, or redefining goals. Stress levels dropped as autonomy increased.
The Two Types of Control (And Where Stress Comes In)
To better manage stress, it's helpful to distinguish between:
- Internal control: your mindset, emotions, behaviors, self-talk, and habits
- External control: the people, events, or systems around you — often unpredictable
Stress tends to rise when external demands are high but internal control feels low. In other words, when you feel overwhelmed by things you can’t influence and unsure how to respond.
But the opposite is also true: if you strengthen your internal control — how you think, how you set boundaries, how you act — you can often reduce stress even when external circumstances stay the same.
The Power of Boundaries: Saying No Without Losing Connection
One of the most effective ways to regain control is by learning how to say no — not out of resistance or selfishness, but to protect your limited time and energy. Yet many people struggle with this, fearing rejection or conflict.
The key is to use language that affirms both sides:
- Acknowledge the other person’s request or need
- Assert your own limits respectfully
Example:
"Thanks for inviting me — it sounds like a great evening. I won’t be able to join this time, I have a big meeting tomorrow."
If the person insists?
"I get that it’s going to be fun, especially with the band playing. And I’ll still need to prioritize the meeting."
This isn't a negotiation. You're not being rigid, you're being clear — and kind. Repeating your position calmly, even if others push back, sends a strong message: my time and energy matter.
When Saying No Isn’t an Option: Shared Problems, Shared Solutions
Of course, there are moments when refusing isn’t possible. Think of a critical work deadline where your absence could hurt your team or your job.
In these cases, you can still regain control — by turning a one-sided demand into a shared challenge:
"I know this deadline is key for the client, and it’s more than I can manage on my own. Could we look at how to tackle it as a team?"
This subtle shift opens the door to solutions: adjusting timelines, reprioritizing tasks, or bringing in support. You stay engaged — without sacrificing your wellbeing.
Small Shifts That Restore Your Sense of Control
Besides setting boundaries or renegotiating demands, here are additional ways to rebuild your sense of control:
- Take action, even small steps. Doing something — rather than avoiding — restores a feeling of agency.
- Reframe the problem. Ask: Is this really as big as it feels right now? Putting stress in perspective helps reduce its power.
- Adjust expectations. Stress often comes from holding yourself to unrealistic standards. Especially in difficult times, allow yourself to do less, or do it differently.
- Challenge mental predictions. Humans tend to overestimate how bad something will feel — and for how long. Reality is often more manageable.
- Stop comparing. Whether to others or to a past version of yourself, comparison rarely helps. Focus on what you can do now.
Focus Only on What You Can Influence
One of the most calming mindsets comes from ancient Stoic philosophy: control what you can, accept what you cannot.
You can’t control a pandemic, the weather, or how someone else feels. But you can control how you respond, how you interpret the situation, and how you treat yourself.
That’s not giving up — it’s choosing your battles. For example:
- If remote work is chaotic, create a quiet zone or set interruption-free hours.
- If a project feels overwhelming, break it into manageable chunks and ask for clarity.
- If a personal setback occurs, give yourself permission to pause before reacting.
Control Isn’t Total — But It’s Transformative
You don’t need to control everything to feel in control. You just need to reconnect with your ability to act, decide, and influence your experience. That shift alone can ease tension, reduce overwhelm, and help you face challenges with more clarity and calm.
Want to explore this topic further? Regaining control is a key pillar of our stress reduction program, where we go deeper into strategies for protecting your energy, navigating difficult conversations, and reshaping demands.
Sometimes, taking back control starts with a single decision — and that might even be reading this post!
